Monday, June 26, 2017

I Found My Heart

I found my heart
It was laying where I'd left it
On the path, in the shadows
Of the trees

I found my heart
Laying on the damp ground
In among ferns and curling
Ivy leaves

I found my heart
It was cracked
And pieces were scattered
Glittering gold

I found my heart
A bit for you and a bit for me
Love leaking out
Staining the ground red

I found my heart
Impossible pieces
Cutting my fingers as
I picked them up

I found my heart
There's no word
That would craft out of these shards
A new whole heart

I found my heart
And I left it there
The shadowy trees

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

You and me.

You and me.
Two together in the dark
Shadowlands stretch out around us
Silence and sorrow flow mingled down

High up on this wind swept rock
Gales and furies weave around us
Driving out all thought of peace

Rushing waters foam
Racing against the rocks
Pealing back the safety
We seek

You and me
Walking separate paths
Unique to us
Clearly similar

Cupped hands cold from the night
Encircle a small flame
Leaning in to give strength to flickering light
A third would be welcome

You and me
And a third person
Evens out this equation
Fills in the gaps and breaths life to the flame

Wild and clear
The call to come to his hall is on the wind
He is the elder one
Oldest of all immortal flame springing forth at his bidding

You and me and He
Among the night
Cheered and warmed by his presence
Pushing back sorrow and fear and illusions

Like a strong draft of wine giving heart
Fears and sorrows are there
But in their place

You and me
We are three with Him
And will not be easily broken

Saturday, December 17, 2016


Sitting in an ocean
Dark night like velvet closes 'round
Sitting here knee to knee
As the stars fall

The boat is locked and gridlocked
The stars like ice float on the water
Pressing in close
A reminder of pain and pain and pain

There is no sailing out of this
But you and I
Are strong

As the stars crush close we will climb out
As the moon rises to give light to the night
Walk that shining path of pain
Out and into the stark dawn

Sliding down the frozen waves
Up on that rocky shore
Forward across the tundra
To the slope of the mountain

Craggy rocks and crevasses cut through
The line of sight
You are tired
So am I

Red blossoms of pain
Behind tired eyes
Swollen from weeping

The seemingly never ending journey
Marches on
Dry is the dust and dry is the throat
Croaking encouragement

Saturday, November 12, 2016

Not My President

Hillary Clinton.

The Next President.

The First Women President.
It was meant to be. 

It Was Going To Be.

But wait, the popular vote is not the electoral vote. Democracy dictated who was elected and it wasn't Hillary. 

The next logical step was to set things on fire, break other people's property and scream ugly recriminations in the streets. Because He's Not My President. It doesn't matter that our country has been voting this way for 200 odd years. It is time to throw things, have tantrums and burn things to the ground. Because we are thinking, intelligent people who want to explain in clear logical terms why we are unhappy that Trump won. The best way to do this is to harm other people to demonstrate that harm people. Because He's Not My President. 

Stop. Think about it. This is how President Obama was voted in, he won the electoral votes. So did Bush. Clinton. And....And.....And it goes on and has gone on for years. 

Your president might have been in for the last eight years. Obama was Not My President, however he is my president and when he won twice in the last eight years it did not occur to me or my friends to vandalize and scream ugly things. I do not agree with his politics, I do not agree with the affordable care act. I did not vote for him. But it is wrong to destroy other peoples property to display your frustrations. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

Let me be clear. Trump Is Not My President. I did not choose him, I think he is a terrible idea for this country, I think he will do some really harmful things, I hate his treatment of women, I hate the way he talks about "building a wall" as if immigrants are cockroaches that must be kept out. I've argued vigorously against his politics, his way of doing business and his uncouth way of talking to and about opponents. Am I very concerned he'll start a nuclear war? YES. But I'm not going to start a war in my streets to demonstrate this concern. This is shameful and degenerate behavior that only signifies a lack of self control and understanding on how to reach people with your concerns. 

By all means, speak out about what you think should happen in this country, vote, advocate, get a job in politics, call your representatives or petition! But really burning stuff? You're at a ten...take it down to a two. Stop acting like toddlers having a tantrum. This is horrifying, STOP IT! Go home. You can not reach people by screaming at them. Except the outcome of the election and move on, you have four years to win back the presidency. 

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Get out of the way.

The other day a friend told me "You need to relax and get out of your own way. If people are going to die they are going to die, if it is their time to go there is nothing you can do."

This is in reference to how tense I am when it comes to taking call as a medic, despite hours of lectures and lab and field time and internships; my fear is still very real ....all of the county is going to keel over dead when I'm in charge. It will be a combination of a zombie apocalypse with cardiac arrests and lift assists. Then everyone is going to yell at me. And for good measure someone will call in a bomb threat on the middle school.

I am not a parent but I can sympathize deeply with new parents who freak out over every sound their baby makes.

But somehow I do need to get out of my own way and stop hyper-analyzing every situation. I need to relax. I need to let go.

Self study. Self analyzing. Study the internal workings of my mind and Psyche.

1) I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. Of killing someone with a wrong procedure or medication.
2) I'm afraid I'll freeze. That I won't act.
3) Oh the pain of this one. I'll look stupid. Someone will mock me for asking a question.
4) I'll be yelled at.
5) I find it horrible to be not good at something, I'm not competitive but I HATE not being good at things.
6) That I picked the wrong career path. That I spent three years of my life and my entire life savings on something that will always feel uncomfortable and scary.
7) Three years of school worry about passing tests or about getting into the medic program has led to 48+ hours of worry a week that this worry won't go away.
8) I am my own worst critic. I expect myself to know how to handle every situation that comes up. No matter how foreign or unknown it is.
9) That I'm old for a career change and don't have as spry a brain as I should.
10) That this job which I really do love, this agency that I enjoy working at, these very real friends I'm making will realize I'm an impostor and I'll lose it all.

How do I get over this? I honestly don't know. I hoped that time and shifts would ease the burden, so I've thrown myself into work. In one sense it has helped, I feel confident in certain areas like our charting system; even though I still consistently manage to mess up on a charts, I'm much better then two months ago. And every time I run a call that is one more building block. I know a little more about myself as a medic. Which is an interesting thought, me-the-medic hasn't existed for long. I'm just getting to know her and she is still in kindergarten when it comes to knowledge. This is in stark contrast to my other passion which is cooking. I've been cooking for 27 years. I can do anything you ask me to, sweet or savory, ethnic or Americana. So, maybe my technique might be a little off, but damn it, that is the way I do it so shut up.

I know who I am in that setting as that person. I don't know who I am as a medic yet. Which makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable and exposed. I don't like being exposed physically, mentally or emotionally. But it is hard to put up the walls of a character if you don't know that character.

So maybe for me it is a matter of time + situations. I need to have a bunch of "kids" so I finally won't worry over every sound they make and I'll stop freaking out over that dropped pacifier.  Perhaps I need to let go and say "Yeah, I don't remember everything from school. There are things I've forgotten. But I can relearn and brush up and that is ok." I need to remember "Despite our best efforts many of our patients will die, despite our best efforts most of our patients will survive." And "If it is their time and God wants them, they aren't going to survive."

I still have a lot of firsts to go: First critical pediatric patient, first code, first dismemberment, first RSI, first a lot of horrible things. But I also have good firsts to look forward to as well or at least getting to know me-the-medic and finding out who she is. Because I'm pretty bad-ass as a chef so me-the-medic must be pretty cool too.

I'm going to get things wrong. I'm probably going to kill someone. I'm going to screw up. But I can choose to relax and let go or I can choose to get tangled up and locked by fear. And this is going to take time, I need to cut myself some slack here.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

To Get Over...

Get over it.

Get over them.

Get over him.

Get over her.

Get over hurt.

Get over pain.

Get over cutting words.

Get over ugly looks.

Just get over it.

Sometimes we don't just get over things. Sometimes hurt and pain and tears and agony lasts for a life time. Sometimes what people say to us is unbelievably hurtful and that hurt remains for years. Seventeen years. Eleven years. The things we say, the comments, the aggressive stance we take, they can color how people view themselves for years to come. 

Eleven years after abuse and aggression you still flinch. There is very little that will wash the taint of angry, manipulative male out. So you do what you can, you smile, you ignore, you pretend and you take the nightmares and stuff them down. 

I don't want to be someone that people have to "get over" being around. If in speaking there is not love, then it is simply the sound of resounding cymbals. Hark. Listen to Thumper's Mother "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." 

Seventeen years after the fact. Today being asked to extend forgiveness was good. But being told that my body was unacceptable was bad. Unfortunately I won't just get over it. But thankfully there is someone who is helping me carry that burden of not just getting over it. Truth be told this apology was weakened by the events earlier in the day.  Treating me like a lesser person at the table of conversation tells me what you really think of me, despite a wept confession.  

 I can forgive it. More importantly I can make a conscious choice to think about what my mouth says. Make sure that I'm not a person who has created dark memories for others. Learn the lesson. Take things to heart. Be more tender. Reject the bitterness that is so tempting. 

I can forgive eleven years after the fact even if the person who hurt could care less about confessing, I can acknowledge there won't be a magical fix, and on this earth somethings are broken for good. Give thanks for the lesson learned, be delighted that Jesus helps with nightmares. 

Speak with love.

Speak with tenderhearted care.

Speak because you are thinking of others.

Speak kindness.

Speak loving truth.

Speak less. 

Monday, November 9, 2015

Red Cups. Do Not = Persecution



the act of persecuting.
the state of being persecuted.
a program or campaign to exterminate, drive away, or subjugate people based on their membership in a religious, ethnic, social, or racial group:
the persecutions of Christians by the Romans.

News Flash.

In the US, Christians are not being persecuted by the red cups of Starbucks. 

However, when people are rude and inconsiderate to Starbucks employees over this "issue", you are persecuting them for being members of that store and it's sales team. They have nothing to do with the choice of cup for this holiday season, nor do they have any sway with the corporate leaders who make these design choices. When you insist that they say "Merry Christmas" or heaven forbid you actually do the asinine, kitschy thing and tell them your name is Merry Christmas; you are being completely un-Christ like. Because "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging is not rude it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. But, dear heavens. Stop the press. This scintillating  and witty repartee will slay them in their tracks and they will instantly realize they've been missing "the reason for the season."

 No. They will simply see a rude, inconsiderate person who is attempting to force them to say Merry Christmas. Rather like when your friends tell you a joke in which you string together different words that are totally unrelated to each other, which get you to say something like "I spank myself" or something as juvenile. But oh be still my heart. A blow was struck for truth and rightness in the world of today's coffee drinkers.

Why do they have to start saying a holiday greeting to you prior to that holiday actually happening anyway? Oh and if they don't want to say it, that is OK too. They may not be a Christian and have no desire to say that particular set of words. Or they may be a Christian and still not want to say it. Or they may work for a company who's policy is "we say Happy Holidays." This is also appropriate because here in American we think business owners can make choices for their companies. And we should say with Paul "obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ." Because this whole Happy Holidays verses Merry Christmas isn't a sin issue nor are they asking you to deny Christ, just say what they ask you to say. Or say nothing. Whatever.

But this brings us to a central point. What is it that people think is missing from these cups? What do you actually want on them, to indicate Christmas? In the past, have Starbucks cups featured a manger on them? Or a star leading men riding on camels? Or at the very least a SHEEP? Because, if not, what the heck are you whinging about? Do snowflakes and Christmas trees indicate deeply evocative Christian truths? Could not the thought be turned around and it be said "Look, a purely red cup, this reminds me the meaning for the season is the birth of the Savior. That His blood will be shed for the cleansing of the world!"

Why do we think we can demand that a secular company put "Christian" symbols on a product they are producing. We have no such right. Where in the Bible do you find this?

I posit that we all, to readily, loose sight of the Father and Christ in our mad rush through this festive season; and Starbucks evil red cups carry very little weight in why this happens. We do not tune our hearts to sing His praise through our actions and choices. We allow such petty and shallow roilings to snatch away our peace and cheerful kindness to others. And it is also an excuse. It is so much easier to cry foul at this company, rather then putting effort into loving. Here is a thought, how about you give up buying all coffees? Not as a boycott, but so you can put money into a jar and support ...oh say a Compassion Child. For what most people spend on coffee in a month you can change a child's life, save them from starvation, or being trafficked and give them an education. Or you can continue to post garbage about the dastardly red cups of Starbucks.

Because Jesus cares about a cup over loving your neighbor. 

This is what the birth of Christ signifies, salvation for the world. Decorations or lack thereof on a disposable paper cup do not change or enhance this truth.

"The angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever and his kingdom will never end."

"So Joseph also went up form the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledge to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn."

"You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat. On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine----the best of meats and finest of wines. On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations, he will swallow up death forever. The sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. In that day they will say, Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation. "